Eugene continues to reflect on his process of discerning God’s will for him as he recuperates from his near-fatal illness. His desire to be “all for God” draws him to a monastic existence. Yet, he is living the “all for God” in responding to the needs of the abandoned people in Provence, and sees the need to form part of the mission preaching done in other parts of France, but not by forsaking the needy people of Provence.
I keep nothing secret from you. So I will tell you without ado that I am hesitating between two plans: either to go off and bury myself in some well regulated community of an Order that I have always loved; or do in my diocese exactly what you have done successfully at Paris.
My illness has played havoc with me. I was feeling more inclined to the first plan because, to tell the truth, I was quite tired of living solely for others. It has come to pass that I have not had time to go to confession for three whole weeks. You can see for yourself how tied down I am.
Letter to Father Forbin Janson, 28 October 1814, O.W. VI n 2
I think what I come away with is gratitude to Eugene, for how he lived and for sharing not only his passion but also his pain and doubts. It gives such great heart to those of us who have times of struggle and doubt and who wonder exactly where God would have us be.
My experience of discernment is that it can be a slow process and it seems to come in pieces rather than all at once. One step at a time. It also seems that we say “yes” to God before even fully realizing and knowing exactly what we are saying yes to. There is then the “how” it will be lived. It is in the living out (of Eugene’s “all for God” and whatever our individual “yeses” are) that we realize/become the fruits of that discernment.
I love his “…was quite tired of living solely for others.” How often have I said “enough, let someone else do it”?