In reviewing the year Eugene is aware of having placed too much trust in his own efforts and not enough on God.
In future I must place my trust even more in the virtue of prayer than in the activity I am trying to accomplish to bring success to the works entrusted to me or that God in his goodness is inspiring me to do.
It would be foolishness to do nothing, I even think when reflecting how the saints acted that one must give generously of oneself, but at the same time it would be less wise not to make of prayer, intercession of the saints, the righteous, the Angels, but especially of the B. Virgin, one’s principal resource. It would be a disorder to lose peace of soul, to respond in a purely human way when things don’t go my way, etc.
Retreat Journal, December 1814, O.W. XV n.130
I think that I can very much relate to this letter from Eugene. I seem to go off on tangents – I start out well and focused, however as I get “busy” I spend less time in true conversation with God and more time in “doing” (I must say that I am often doing good things and doing them very well but the “I” in there tends to grow somewhat). I get caught up in myself so very easily and lose touch with that true sense of self (which really seems to be only in God). I start to miss something vital within me – that awarenss of being connected to God and all. And then I get hurt when things don’t turn out the way I want them to or the way I think they should. This state is reflected in how I react or respond to people. I think that is what Eugene might be referring to as losing peace of soul.
The “doing” has stopped flowing from my “being”. The only way I know how to heal that kind of a rift it to literally turn back towards God – and just “be” in him. In prayer, in conversation, in just sitting with.
I had to read the 2nd paragraph several times to understand what Eugene was saying. That it would be a mistake to think he can do it on his own, when in truth he needed to call on all the angels, saints and especially Our Lady to be okay. I agree with him – usually he is one of the first ones I call upon – cause he’s been there!