The last entry from Eugene’s self-description spoke about the strength of his character. Today’s extract continues with the other side of this coin: his extreme sensitivity. This side of his character was increased by his being Provencal – a southern Mediterranean people who have strong ways of expressing their feelings. Here is the richness of Eugene for me: he was hyper-sensitive to the needs of people and to their suffering, and was able to respond ferociously with his strong character:
It is hard to understand, given the portrait of myself I have just painted, how sensitive a heart I have, overly so in fact. It would take too long to give you all the stories of my childhood traits I have had related to me and which are really rather surprising. It was quite normal for me to give away my breakfast even when I was hungry to satisfy the hunger of the poor, I used to bring firewood to people who complained of the cold and of not being able to afford to buy it, on one occasion I went as far as to give away the clothes off my back to clothe a poor person, and many, many other stories in the same vein.
When I had offended someone, even if it was a servant, I never had a moment’s peace until I had been able to make reparation for what I had done, with some gifts, or gesture of friendship, or even a hug for the one who had reason to complain about me.
I have not changed over the years. I idolize my family. I would let myself be cut up into little pieces for some members of my family, and that stretches out to quite a long way for I would give my life without hesitation for my father, mother, grandmother, my sister and my father’s two brothers.
Self-evaluation written for his spiritual director in 1808, O.W. XIV n. 30
It is because of this inheritance that the Oblate family is characterised today as being “close to the people” and “specialists in difficult cases” at the same time.
This is not the first time I have read this account of Eugene and his self evaluation. The first time was a little disheartening for I think I probably spent much time ‘comparing’ myself to Eugene, measuring. Of course I did not measure up. As I read this today though I wasn’t really measuring, I was sort of marveling a Eugene’s generosity and his self awareness. At such an early age! This is, I believe, the product of love and acceptance. Eugene knew he was loved and lived out of that.
As children we (my siblings) grew up in what would today be called a ‘project’, we had little of anything and as much as there were many who had more [things/toys] than us there were others that were much worse-off than us. We had to earn the right to have our toys and I seemed to fail at that miserably so my dolls etc were mostly given to other little girls who apparenty deserved them more than I. I hated them quite often for being ‘better’ and ‘more deserving’ of such things than I was. I was but a little girl. On the other hand though, when I saw another being treated as I was I recognized instantly the pain they were feeling and tried to do whatever I could to protect them.
Now as an adult I am quite happy and most often inclined to try to share what I have, both in things and in love. The things – well I must be honest and say that I do not give the shirt off of my back, but if I have something that another needs then I will try to give it to them, anything extra is to be shared. Anything extra, well almost anything extra I tend to share, why not when I have more than I need. And love – well I have been given so much how could I not share it – in truth the more that I give, the more God tends to give me. I grew up being told that I was selfish, unable to love and unlovable by others (including God). But it is a gift to be able to recognize the untruth of that. God calls me Beloved and fills me with so much love that I can do nothing but to share it.
I am much like Eugene (I think) when I offend another – when I see/realise what I have done – only God knows the sorrow that I feel and the need to somehow make amends to the person I hurt. Unlike Eugene I do not have that wonderful love of family where I can readily say that I will die for another – I would love to say it is so but I do not know. As for being sensitive I am not entirely sure what that means, it is not a word that I have ever really used. During reconciliation at a recent retreat I was told that I was very ‘sensitive’, but I was too afraid to ask at that moment what it meant. If it means to love greatly then I suppose I am a little like that, if it means to have compassion then I do have that.
Perhaps the grace in all of this is to be able to recognize within the goodness as well as the sin, recognize the imperfect with the perfecting. I am both and there is great freedom in that. God loves me as I am, as I have been created and it is only with that all encompassing love that I am free to love and give and to grow. What an incredible journey he has brought me on.