In the days leading up to his priestly ordination Eugene used the Retreat of Fr. Judde on the Spiritual Exercises of St. Ignatius. Based on the first meditation of Ignatius (the Principle and Foundation) he reflects on what he wishes for the retreat: to empty himself totally “so that the Holy Spirit, when it no longer encounters obstacles to its divine operations, may come to rest on me in all its fullness, filling everything within me with the love of J.C. my Saviour.” The graces of his journey of conversion to Jesus the Saviour and of his “Good Friday Experience” are clearly recognisable here for the future Co-operator of Christ the Saviour. Eugene’s focus orbits around the love of the Saviour.
None of those [retreats] I have made up to now has been able to satisfy me, and I would long for the moment which God’s mercy now grants me at this decisive moment of my life when I must prepare myself to receive very soon the sublime and awesome priesthood of J.C.
I pray that I may profit from the grace I am privileged to receive, and use it to purify my soul and rid my heart completely of creatures, so that the Holy Spirit, when it no longer encounters obstacles to its divine operations, may come to rest on me in all its fullness, filling everything within me with the love of J.C. my Saviour, in such a way that I live and breathe no longer but in him, consume myself in his love, serving him and spreading the news of how loveable he is and how foolish men are to seek elsewhere their hearts’ resting place when they can never find it but in him alone.
Jesus, good master, turn a look of compassion on your poor servant. It seems to me that I love you but I am afraid of deceiving myself; it seems to me that if you were to question me as you once questioned the Prince of the Apostles (it was the ardour of his love for you that motivated my choice of him as patron), it seems to me I would answer as did he: yes, Lord, I love you. But it would not need your putting the question for a third time to make me feel unsure of the sincerity of that love I had avowed for you, for, I repeat, I am afraid of deceiving myself and while I believe I love you, you would see, you who are the uncreated Light, that illuminates the darkest corners of my heart, and reads in its most secret places, and plumbs the depths of hearts and loins, you would see that in fact I do not love you at all.
My Saviour, my Father, my love, bring me to love you; this only do I ask, for I know full well that that is everything. Give me your love.
Notes made during the retreat in preparation for priestly ordination
1-21 December 1811, O.W. XIV n.95
Oh my God, I find myself this morning in a place that might be called bitter-sweet. I remember my reaction when I read this for the first time – this prayer of Eugene and I cried for it had been my own prayer and thoughts for such a long time (not the same words but with the very same sense and flow). There is again today a joy somehow to hear my own longings and yearnings said by another. It is like a very real bond, a sharing of my consuming love for you and a joining somehow, a coming together. This love you have born into St. Eugene and myself, not being a matter of worthiness or vocation but simply there. The words ‘brother and sister’ comes to me this morning. A realisation that I join with many and we are as one with you. I hesitate at comparing myself with Eugene for I know that I would come up short in many ways, and if truth be told it would be thus no matter who I was to be measured against. Just as Eugene spoke to you “you who are the uncreated Light, that illuminates the darkest corners of my heart, and reads in its most secret places, and plumbs the depths of hearts and loins, you would see that in fact I do not love you at all” it is like that for me for you know all of my secrets thoughts and short-comings. But – you know the depths of my heart and you know the desire and longings that you yourself used to create my heart. Most perfect and wondrous love, you who are awe and wonder!
“My Saviour, my Father, my love, bring me to love you; this only do I ask, for I know full well that that is everything. Give me your love.” For the first time in reading this most beautiful of Eugene’s thoughts and prayers I see in here a shadow of the Trinity that is you – so very impossible to put into words and yet you have gifted Eugene’s heart with your essence that is trinitarian – he states it so very clearly.
Today is the First Sunday of Advent and today I give the ‘reflection on the readings at the Masses. I speak of the longing and the waiting, the anticipation and the hope and the preparation for you 2nd coming in the person of Jesus. This reading here this morning so ties in with this Sunday and how you allow me to serve you in my parish. It is as this realisation comes over me that I find my eyes filling and I want to weep, I am humbled to the highest degree and am filled with a gratitude that is so great that I am unable to find words to express it. The tears are simply recognizing the the wonder of who you are, of all that you are. I can do nothing else but to weep in sheer joy, to bow down and give thanks.